Artist's Process Part Twenty Two

All that thinking. And I need to unwind, then feel good,

Beautiful alive. But those are wants. I stop and become receptive.

I trust this, and it gives to what is needed beyond my wants.

I cannot provide the solution, if I was already seeking before,

And turning to stimulants and consolations for what I really wanted to feel.

Thoughts racing. And I sit here, and the pool is no longer turbulating.

What ever causes it, I can contemplate with clarity,

Take actions needed in market life. Test principles under these conditions.

Resolve issues here in stillness based on contemplating principles.

A deepening trust of what resonates versus based on calculation alone.

Strengthened through daily situations.

Then to see that in stillness there is intention. I choose to keep one.

Observing. Under observation what is resonant expands for me,

The actual visceral feeling, vibrancy.

Not because I won a competition or being accepted as a beautiful person.

What if when I am old, rather than looking back.. there is this still.

What if this expands, while outer relationships become ever more sincere.

That is something real, worth moving toward naturally occurring.

What if someone could feel great as a person conducting science,

Sitting still, doing simple activities.

This thought feels like suffocation. Where am I going?

Until I stop. Then perhaps I will have one friend passing into death,

Whose hand I can keep holding when my body and mind stop.

On the other hand, I have read that nature places us in a coma

If we cannot let go willingly. But to what?

I asked myself to start with this. Let that be the answer.

Will the other option not break my heart.

All that identity, prestige, achievement,

Even ability to hear or see. Gone. Is this universe evil?

Is there just pure causality? If there is only this,

Then I have created a wonderful story. 

On the other hand, I have not seen anyone survive

By following another tack. This is not for those who

Need to believe, insincerity, in absolutes and rules.

Those must be followed, that is their way.

Those are their boundaries. That is what is manageable.

As this is manageable for me. I cannot pursue a ‘higher way’ than this.

And I was to arrive at pure following of written rules,

Then I will be more sincere, and arrive resolved. Not by group belief.

But sincere, despite what the entire planet does, I would follow those rules.

Even if opposed to my culture, or national identity.

I would not be in conflict. And also those rules would for me resonate.

I would receive the joy and wholeness inherent in truth.

That can happen. But until then I receive help here.

I help myself by listening. That there is something already.

It is not removed from me, or I can feel of that source in here.

I don’t have to wait while smoking, drinking a bottle a night,

A 2-4 on the weekend, killing, devouring, rationalizing,

compartmentalizing, ignoring, ineffectual self guilting,

or getting that warm glow when someone finds a worthy adversary.

No, I have this, and purpose arises from it.

I do not seek purpose, and step on the gas like a newbie cop,

Filled with adrenaline, praying for a way to prove myself.

I can enjoy the absurdity of having peace here.

And take care of business there anchored on this,

not a sense of scarcity, or image I must meet. I show up, I do a great job.

People search for sincerity, it is there. I admit where ego plays in,

We laugh about it, I learn, I rectify, I resolve. I let go where I do not come

Out on top or properly placed.

Because I can place myself here. Yes that word ‘N.o.w’

Don’t ever say it, I cannot take it there. I cannot have it by hope.

That word too is surrendered. From awareness.

I am intent and awareness. Then I am a little boy,

Left with ideas, a candle burning. It is not enough.

I am not total. I fall, I begin again every time.

I am no longer in shock. There is a discrepancy. That state.

This place, daily doing.. what about all that vibe stuff.

And when it does not care and I need help.

Modesty endures. My pain, issues, concerns

are not more important that my need to suffer, keep calculating

I can use anger. Bitterness. Give it the fuck back.

‘you made me, even if there is a lesson, or my lack of awareness

Causing me to mire in these issues, I am made of you,

You chose to do ‘this’ make ‘this’ all unfolding. You are partly responsible.”

And this resonates. It is true.

I am asked to return to a position where I can hear.

Contemplate for me to benefit from this ‘how’.

And I find myself with actionable idea, surrender to how soon,

Clarity on situation. And finding myself sitting in a room, wiping tears,

And humble and forgiving to myself that I had gone so far off centre.

Learning to trust remaining. 

Now ‘on centre’ after emerging from my ‘space’,

I am upset that a spreading knife handle is covered in honey.

Wow, was I wound up before. Certain patterns I can only discover

as it plays out. My inability to control variables, projected onto

tidiness, organization, questioning why something was done this

way and not that way, what were they thinking.

I would not voice it, it felt wrong. I felt that much.

But then to be bound so tight, unable to express anything till

The built up rages were, or a resolution would happen, a catharsis.

It did. This observation. Acceptance that those patterns had a reason,

They are not me. I am responsible for them. I am accountable.

I am not guilty for having them. I will admin to them in balance and

Stillness. I retain my dignity. I sought a relationship where I could be seen,

Not reasons to blame me. I would be responsible and ensure

Principles prevail if my inner child is still responding from before.

I am kind and compassionate to me. I establish boundaries.

I express my limitations. I am grateful that I am lovingly

 tolerable to my person. I apologize with an action in mind,

I make it about what I needed that I need to take responsibility for having.

It starts at this mat where such a thing can occur.

All emotional needs outside of food, or complete isolation,

To feel alive, move with purpose. All right here.

Then I am just love.

Every day, beginning again. Remembering viscerally, not an idea of.

Something felt. Otherwise, there is only fighting, taking and glory.

I would have no blame if there was no way. Now I know it as a choice.

Once it actually was. Until then, it does not matter how my persona wanted.

Acted. There was no harm, but there was no one either.

Ups and downs, and highs and lows. One has to get tired.

It is gift that I do not have unlimited resources of energy to be a jerk.

To non-stop fight and know that I can depend on covering insecurity with fists.

With position. No, my limits I allow to serve me.

This Bugatti so to speak does not get boring after the first two months.

What the fuck am I doing. I step on the gas, I don’t waste a moment at the light,

I have momentum off the gate so I have the feeling of being a great race car driver,

I feel thrilled, and then defeat simultaneously. I look back,

I should have had access to yada yada resources. I would have been

Always would have.. such a talented driver. So even this thrill is a defeat.

I don’t even want to train at anything. I just want. I want now.

I want to feel. This is what I realized. I want to have something now.

To feel something while learning, or doing.

That is what I need. I meet a ton of disciplined people who achieve.

Where is the laughter, the openness, the smile, the sense of wonder,

Exploration, mystery.

So, this is what I need. This is not a standard for the world. This is not others.

This is me. This is okay.

This I can honour. But I can feel something from it rather be satisfied

With the rationale. S if this is me, so what?

So it feels amazing to engage in this.

For someone else, they have their own special nature,

Inclinations, threads pulling them.

There are also destructive forces.

Do I want dedicated madmen, closing eyes gently, opening them

To commit atrocities, to take, steal, enslave more efficaciously.

Do we want a world with super jerks.

I have created artwork that will not appeal to that type, period.

There would be little attention span. Reading all this feminine energy,

For them is a triple eye roller. The whole ‘get on with it’,

Where is the bunny in the painting, oh I see this and that.

Oh, so he thinks he’s better than me. Always comparison.

If something is not them, unique. That means it has to be either worse,

They will enjoy subjugating. If it is better, it is intolerable,

They could impregnate all of their herd of water buffalo,

They must be destroyed. They stopped reading.

Stopping is not just absurd; it is deathly frightening. Death by suffocation.

Destruction of established values.

To stop and feel good.. do something creative, share something

That is not the stock market news, gossip, how they got one over on so and so.

So I am not concerned.

Plus, one can feel how certain values

destroys the person, ‘sows the seeds..’ so to speak.

That person could also choose to experiment.

Be a cold scientist and feel, try.

For the rest, it takes will, and this stopping business is

Not just low on priority, but cast outside, to the subconscious.

Anyway, all this thought I witnessed. I forgive it. I was concerned,

What if this and that.

I can stop. I can return to this.

(eyes closed, stop. I sigh, breath comes through. I am not the face

I am not the ‘being’ or ideas about ‘soul’. As long as I remain,

I am soothed, resolved, feel swaddled)

As long as I don’t, my life daily living brings me back with

More gratitude it is here. Less seeking externally,

Receiving here.

This is why engaging in thoughts is good.

Respect the principle of limits. Feel when.

Then I stop from inner agreement. From my own unique experiences.

Brought me to this. Utterly un-sharable in words.

Only the approach to the slip.

I play music.

The heart strings guide the mind.

My intention is to engage in movement.

Starting gently, slow, that the sense can remain in the movement

That I am not leading. That my visualization of what to do is

Esthetically resonant with the state I call from.

If I imagine a thai chi master, it is made from myself,

They will move from resonant principles; I feel my hands warm.

They, I move from y intention, and the substance from the space.

What does this body need. Let this master guide me,

From my humble place, but not limited by my ideas,

Let guidance.. follow it in movement.

There is pain, somewhere in my body, some emotional catches,

Inquire, do. Don’t hold back. You would hold off stretching there.

Or I may not listen do without listening and hurt the vulnerable region.

My mind knows what to do. I know enough to do so much right this moment,

Not fix everything, or attain. Just sweating, enjoying this process.

And hating calling it a process, an end, coming in and out with gain.

So I think I will go this way.

So I stop at this mat. I surrender, without theatrics. Stop.

Held issues are negotiated. Pain is transcended versus solved or

Forgiven or forgotten. Then when I feel amazing,

Of course I feel compassion when people hurt me from

Pitiful dependence on manipulation. This is I writing this,

I play with anger; it is theatrical now. In stillness I am not

Dependent on humour or irony. I have what I need.

I mind needed to trust my heart. And my heart needed

To know I would initiate based on something better

than he said she said.