Artist's Process Part Twelve

So let’s say I dance, moving discerningly, feeling aligned,

Noticing variables, aiding body moving in and out of dance and exercise,

Listening to what is needed, expressing joyfully at times,

In the zone of feeling flow in a needed stretch or strengthening.

This alignment with the self and activity that lines up with your nature,

And me with mine,

It ‘transforms’, but that is not your concern.

It can start with ‘motivation’, listening to music as a bridge,

Eventually it will be pure movement,

Or you will want to make music because you feel it sucks now, and miss the 80’s.

So I take up guitar,

Feel free to rent an instrument, professionals online will show

A process of learning the same thing, but of the options, most aligned with your nature,

And meet me there, give my mind and body to it,

Its exciting, its exploration, it results in something unexpected that builds on itself daily,

This is the way

~Mandalorian

I say this because sometimes there is thought of something happening out there,

And I am in here alone, joyful, whole, or in between emotional states,

but there is that out there.

I allow myself to know this is space travel.

I won’t arrive in space, be struck by the wonder of earth from space,

And not know that it is the relaxing of my mind rather than wonder

that is providing the awe and sense of connection with cosmos or God.

I won’t try to possess it; I won’t create a Star Wars.

The war is how to feel alive, I have become aware.

Like after work, sans wine, sans perfect social scenarios,

At any age, without wealth or status acting as gatekeepers,

And enlivening whatever is done,

Because it will not be related to anything,

It is available because I am.

It is not when I am not willing, so I cover my walls

With things to look deeper into what is expressed in its language,

Plain reminders when passing by putting on my shirt.

That is a good place to remember when shaking hands,

In personal conflict,

The solution, unless immediate needs or physical danger,

Is not the solution, manipulation or possession, or competition for that.

This is my artwork,

But most days there is less in the way,

It is a crossing as through a dark corridor,

Recalled empowering thoughts as I walk:

Observe with trust, enjoy your stay,

Transcend the surrender thing.

Allow a better state to see and know if there is trouble

Afterward or immediately in clarity, there

Only two,

The self observing identity that learned who to mentor with,

And my nature that had sought this identity to survive,

Beyond basic needs,

That relied upon it for feelings aroused by

Acceptance, acknowledgement, agreement.

Then I asked who it was

that could observe this and a consortium of mental factions,

Each an identity based on values created to produce wants and needs.

Playing musical chairs in each of these positions,

It was clear that most problems were solved and

Optimism and solutions arose for those

Such as those let go immediately and those held and in progress,

When there was the space of ‘feeling good’.

In the midst of laughter, I observed,

When acknowledged, positions of safety, inclusion,

Defenses, planning and preparations in progress,

especially among friends.

Was feeling good camaraderie with others?

It was trust that allowed me total relaxation in climb moments

So I decided to demand less and intend to return here independently,

It is more like stopping.

There is no tricking me observing,

To preeningly ‘surrender’ whilst hoping to drive ambitions,

Resolve pain, create unity with my environment,

My mind cannot produce those feelings without others.

I acknowledge my limits. The limit is a gift.

But I had to try my best. Otherwise, who knows

Maybe ‘I’ can do magic, maybe I can find a hidden compartment

I will help transform things, there is reward,

There is excitement.

I arrived at Stop. This is my final solution. 

Then my mind is free to enjoy my day job,

Little improvements that streamline my physical day,

With sincere appreciation, following grieving so,

That nothing I do will provide a steady stream of peace,

Excitement, glory, excitement, exploration and joy.

When I expect it, seek it and negotiate for it, scheme for it,

and walk around carrying that block which prevents

what connection would develop,

but it would develop outside of my expectations.

So how first to independently receive these,

Even at first in short tiny bits to have real hope,

That I can go back, that because of it I can forgive,

I can let go of conflict without incessant rationalization.

Many mental projects, to find the key.

But then many arriving to the point that much of it is causality,

I can derive meaning, I can create and work on idea of a plan,

And why these conflicts happen, why some things are delayed,

Gained, lost, altered, change naturally.

Whatever. And besides conversation fodder,

still wanting certain feelings of being alive,

wanting something of me to meet something of you,

while hiding weakness, want, pain, inadequacy,

or self sickening arrogance,

hating feeling alive because of attention,

helpless and defiant when it is nonexistent,

or worse. In unending subtle non-belonging,

Sometimes obvious rejection.

Emotionally starved.

How that would not invade daily choices.

And if even subconsciously aware,

Not produce anxiety, in my mind

And then felt in my gut and shaky in my body.

So I hummed.

It was too much. I decided to stop,

I knew I could not listen or hear,

While observing the action and feeling mountains of emotion,

I chose to hum, because intention must be expressed

There has to be movement created of the intention to let things move through

What makes me me decided none of this made me me.

I acknowledged the end of my search.

Who cares now if the difficulties were a gift,

Or I succeeded, or created a perfect little story

A mental strategy to cope.

Should I rest on pride and philosophize.

I found a reliable stable ground.

So then what, just sit there watching pain and want endlessly,

Returning to this space with dance and meditation and then what,

Struggle once I step outside,

The same sad defensive overworked others,

Some big smile narcissists,

The cliques to achieve a cause, or commiserate,

Be seen, compete.

As the accumulated reliance on social strategy

and its own arising wants and pains and dreams fades,

enthusiasm arose. As spring leaves to bear awaiting winter trees.

To do more of me.

Dance, paint, learn.

And then connect those private moments,

With copious rest, meaningful outer loving companionship,

eating, work, sightseeing,

Then returning again.

And leaving the outer living straightforward,

To live, be responsibly vulnerable. Recognizing transformation is not overnight,

not scheming to fill a void.

But full of obvious promise.

I return to this, I am me, here I feel and flow and make things,

Because it is in my nature beyond animal basics.

It is apparent for some reason when I recognize myself.

To do from here is affirmation. This is self sanctity.

To hell with how I hurt or what I seem to be missing,