Artist's Process Part Ten

Feeling whole, I can describe this space from each side of me that feels alive, safe.

Certain, direct, calm clarity, a flow of something positive

as I act in mind body and heart, joy of this feeling alive.

I do this knowing I can return to being it, but I want to pick reminders

For when I return, exactly as a slowed down flywheel,

To where I am only my identity and wants,

I will earn longer stays but knowing this place,

Giving time for it, investing in healthy bridges to return me here,

Principles of patience, humility, increasing my resolve over time to rely upon it

I do not have to barter or negotiate for it.

When I am lost in identity and long pre-established ways of feeling safe and joyful,

Unable to earn, position, take, barter, negotiate for it,

With rising sensitivity, unwilling

It is only hard to choose, guarded by a dark tunnel of doubt and body tension.

That I relied upon before to maintain my sense of self. A good self,

But there is much that cannot be earned, taken, expected from outside,

It is too precious, too far between,

Often a 15 minute time not all of us can attain to.

Age, valour, genetics, placement, effort dependent, constant maintenance,

If it was attained by drugs, short lived. Being in love, with wings,

Torn broken wings, living by memory if there is someone to really relive it

With true listening.

And by true listening, then why not feel it by ones own.

An epiphany. What else is possible while retuat the same time living

Working in ones outer life, physical contact,

What happens if one lives from having first, before the begging.

Now I can feel it directly, being led here by the thought of knowing this,

I give it a rest, no matter what,

If it is a needed step, a helpful rationalization,

Pain caused by resistance, remembering a needed principle,

Alignment that one can feel. That is the only reason,

So I can let the emotions, thoughts loosely bounce here,

I am the inner surfaces of this container,

Within this current.

Maintaining alignment with the insufficient amount during the day,

Was to maintain balance of the fragile outer sense of self,

Old patterns of identification, old deep strategies, not streams,

But themselves grown strong into highways,

Relied upon actions, from emotions and wants A to B,

Depended upon, fought for, cried over approaches.

And so I maintain alignment during all this, watching all of this happening,

And a deepening trust to return, immerse,

Remember when it is absurd to only observe.

I waited a long time for my loved one Meadow

to make it through the health food store lineup,

Staying outside with my fur baby Winnie,

It had been a long after work lineup,

I waited a while watching bland things happen on the street to steady traffic sounds,

When she returned, I went in and purchased a to go soup

I was already here, this was a treat, a location far from our place,

And I was very hungry. I thought of enjoying it in the cool evening

Also depending on it to be a relied upon ‘eating outside enjoying fresh air’

Thing that lifts my mood.

I ladled the last of what was remaining in self serve,

I came out and was asked to help fix Winnie’s collar,

She rustle about a little, hit my hand and the soup exploded onto the sidewalk,

No more remaining in the store.

I witnessed anger, my mind also feeling justified,

Realizing deeper buried feelings could also find expression,

The reptilian part of me calculating it would be enjoyable,

someone to blame, reason, but also a welling up of

whatever I had buried inside now without a way to keep down,

I missed my missed consolation in the quick treat,

I had done everything right, I was being resolute even though I did not enjoy waiting,

Here was like a circuit for the energy to spark, an opportunity to find release.

Feeling the thin current, knowing I was a fluctuation, seeing from before,

Before and after such moments. But it is an absurdity, these thoughts while in lava,

Ready to raise a surfboard and also feel stronger than all other fears and

Self imposed sense of weaknesses, an opportunity to rule them all.

Both paths feeling wrong.

It is not a gimmick thought experiment,

I walked away, I did not have strength to deal and dialogue further with the scenario,

Nothing was collected off the curb, I could send alms with 10 other litter picking up acts,

I asked to let’s walk away, I asked to walk and let me move my legs,

After a half block I was part of the stream, and feeling good,

The random soup had been because of needing a purchase dialogue,

Feeling a bit lonely, disconnected from my self,

Needing also to follow a reliable routine, eat something nice, walk outside,

When held in the grip between the failed logical outcome, compressed emotions,

and the mind remembering previous outcomes,

current of emotions now superimposed against a felt sense of truth,

I did not act or do good, and I did not act against my higher judgement,

So the centre that was pried open between competing forces

was the sense of right.

The treat would have only given pleasure,

a space where I could ease into relaxing thoughts,

serve as a bridge that I relax while I move my energy and breathe while I walk,

To get to that sense of ease, starting from a long standing strategy that brings comfort,

But really needing to feel alive, but comfort and activity first,

The sense of truth brought flow, potential, inspiration,

I comforted myself with laughter,

And modesty, humility.

I made it with a hairs breadth,

Complaining for three blocks would have brought nothing,

And would identify me as that to myself,

Then there is always that same truth to look at myself through later,

And how to avoid self judgement, embarrassment then,

It would have ridden into only sincere sense of wrongdoing,

Sorrow, sincere apology, track of sincere redemption,

And that is also only because of keeping with the visceral,

kinesthetically felt sense of truth.

Otherwise love grows and falls within such moments,

Identities are made, held less tightly, can change gently, or grow,

As a weed it grows, staunchly.

Whether with any small or sizable and upscale venture, orgasmic delight,

What is sought is the same.

I am aware of what it is that I am and what I have sought

I return to me happily,

I feel grateful for the skills built into my sense of identity,

And these too are handed over with me. There intention is clear,

Something to do with my own nature, something unique in each person,

Perhaps so each person lives and enjoys being and rejoicing uniquely,

So maybe so whatever this truth is can experience everything in every way.

It is a good story, nice rationalization. Helps me drop what cannot be explained,

I have given myself a place in the cosmos,

And interestingly, something agrees,

But only in granted joy and a sense of flow,

Enjoyed by me thinking and moving on ‘my’ own behalf.

Then I entreat to remain with this, not hold but take actions to let this be,

To make and create from here.