Artist's Process Part Six

I saw, I know I exist whether there is thought or not, reason and circumstance or not.

In pain there is no dopamine. In stillness there is me, it feels like a relaxed calm joy.

In action, in service, there is visceral joy,

It is joy that permeates and is itself perceived by what colours it.

It is harder to know, but it is joy also transparent.

It is not ‘invisible’, its just there is me, I am not looking through something outer.

But the activity allows me to know what is behind it,

Including ‘positive’ and ‘negative’

Alone or together. I am my own home.

The actions of my identity took care of my basic needs,

Shared, interrelated. This is good.

Now I have some moments, should I go and seek some more activity,

Or can I feel amazing, whole, alive between goals, outer tasks,

And one persons acknowledgement and the next.

Shared laughter and the next.

What if there are days lacking laughter, emotional pain, loss,

Transitions between relationships, new training,

I have worked, and cried, ate as healthily as I could,

Did good and contributed to my future,

Can I feel alive right now alone, and celebrate alone?

in joy and wholeness without the other to add flame or acknowledge it,

Can I be real as I am right here

and thus have any reason at all to get off socials for half hour?

Right now, without weed, or loud music in between dancing in front of one person and the

next.

A sense, inhabiting.

Pausing, becoming listening

Here but observing my questioning,

Asking in response to irrational discomfort,

Observing this and just receiving calm of this space,

Remembering to breathe now, trusting focus on technique,

A resolve that the answer is the state itself,

Questions arising here,

Now the small undercurrent myself,

Thought, emotion, body state, attitude,

Bringing up dialogue from each

In contrast superimposed movement on the screen of principles,

Those that allow receiving of this space,

letting go for the moment if  life task based,

using imagination and body sense to detach and breathe with if pain,

at the peak, “now what?” is the last point of departure,

seeing why I want to move, continue, switch,

in relation to why it means departing from the now inhabited sense of wholeness.

That too knowable only when my mind is not functioning from the state from where I ask.

Relaxing into being the current and then receiving by doing.

Savouring, entraining in this sense, wholeness,

after the doing in passive sitting,

So that it is easer to touch, remember, return during daily activity,

Starting with repetitive daily activity,

Remembering to listen or at least to remain aware,

rather than escaping into the next project to produce sense of having

this is the right use of my mind.

Choosing activity that involves listening, giving from the cool detached power here,

Guided by heart and discernment of mind,

Allowing mental aspirations continue, but held over the frequency of that space,

Not repressing or denying or striking out in ambition.

This was never alone.

The actions and its necessary guidance as one

rather than always peripheral moving, then stopping in anguish to ask.

The asking followed by felt rightness of right action,

Always aligned with stand-out principles,

But arriving by asking this or this or this, feeling each one

Over the pure sense of right that is this space.

This is contemplation.

Further and deeper resoluteness in those principles that bring me here,

Testing through every circumstance, so that the return is not forced,

So that my mind will also be aligned

rather than in opposition to a large organ in my body,

or in opposition to millennia of primal and social conditioning,

but gradual, and able to be inhabited when living daily,

coexisting in the ‘outer’ part of the whole,

so let me derive responses from here.

I am becoming my own home.

This artwork is a visual journal of a transitioning identity.

And as part of a new cycle of doing fully and not doing

rather than as a practice toward some state,

the reaching whose state necessitated this misunderstanding.

Returning, having moved the energy of stuck dialogue, repressed response.