Artist's Process Part Seven

Besides taking care of necessities, duties, and need for meaningful companionship,

Those ephemeral feelings I strive for, argue over, reflect on the past occurrences over,

It is all around me and not within me. I am of it.

It is me that returns to being there,

To the MMmmm, that I saw in the midst of true laughter, first taste of most loved desert,

What if it was not the heaving belly or the textures and flavour,

But those are what I require to relax and feel something I attribute to the attainment.

What then, when in pain, why am I happier that before it came and passed.

Deep tears, I observed, me totally involved, and there watching the whole event,

The objective space.

After the pleasure, deep laughter, exhilaration, release, procurement,

The relaxed space that was there watching during,

I was there also in accumulation of massive tension, conflict,

Following the eventful, return to balance. The same calm, energetic,

Thoughtful calm clarity.

An important place for me to remember to avoid remorse, buyers remorse,

Remorse of energy used up, health depleted,

who I spend time daily with, topics ruminate on unendingly,

 without any deeper meaning, trying to trigger that alive space.

Then taking responsible action. Striving, exercising to death,

working to death, talk, safety seeking in groups and ones cultural offerings,

Sometimes turning to blame, want, pushing

until deeper values and good heart put a stop.

What then, repress, accumulate and explode. How about just turn it off,

Incorporate complaining into my identity. It’s a good valve and derives attention,

How about drink strongly and pretend it was the drink

and express what I can’t otherwise with others who also drink.

Or let’s be a team, associate with attainment, bond in reaching meaning,

Give honour for what each of us carries while bearing the weight of effort,

Where again it is just me crying in joy, failure, community, love parent to child,

Glory of life, passing life.

These are all life and it was good for me to accept,

But what if I felt whole first, I was the person behind all of the events,

Before my entire outer person bore it,

Would it help to know for certain who I am first,

Rather than a seeking,

Would what I do be more authentic,

Could collaboration work towards having this rather than

Seeking cycles of falling in love, glory, rage, attainment, failure,

And instead actually witness this as a part of living,

Before stirring the planet into chaos and destruction,

Could I seek this first, while humbly first taking care of my needs,

Could I contribute without making it about me.

I can if I sincerely feel good, feel whole first.

Well, what else can I do joyfully from this space

When in my core personal time my actions are independent.

I contributed well, and I set aside time, what would I do in this space.

If as a result of behaving this way I ended up alone,

Would that be a good test of the strength of this approach to identity,

Would it serve as a prolonged reset, and would its duration matter?

What if engaging in this way resulted in aloneness, but the space was not permanent?

Would the fluctuating pain of that, falling getting up, every day beginning again,

Build more meaning than singular involvement in causality?

More sense of self, a self one could rely on their death bed on for felt certainty,

Would it hurt, while the return and arrival are fleeting and doubt swirls,

The hallway, bridge between here and that,

so long that it is seen as a light at the end.

This is why I remained aware when I laughed, cried, strived, achieved, flew, fell, recovered,

I don’t know that there was any consciousness making drama just so that in conflict,

I would be torn between competing values, action and inability, want and principles,

But in the midst of these things, the space becomes here, not some distant light,

To the point where one can become addicted to rising and falling drama,

I could see that the conflict was the message very often for this reason.

Life provided ample opportunity to find this while living life fully,

and only when living involved feeling fully. Just a jump of imagination,

but it should not have worked, a child’s game.

And that is all I ever wanted to feel again, playing imagining as I did.

Observing joy of expressed existence in nature,

Or enjoying it vicariously.

In appreciation in my experience

as something I have that is expressed uniquely through another.

So can I bring myself there whole to the other,

rather than seeking it collaboratively, or bringing the other to myself

by performing, by fulfilling a social role, by giving.

Do I not also need to bring clarity, energy, presence to what I am providing,

Besides it being from having,

but do my actions and contributions not need sincerity, utmost sincerity.