Artist's Process Part Four

Rather than compete and overextend this body, its vital energy further than needed.

I can have this space, or return to it, remain with however small an undercurrent,

the entire way to the outer exhilarating, glory defining event,

and I will have it anyway. Perhaps that is why my mind can stop,

‘I’ want to relax, I do. It is this simple since ‘I’ have decided.

I have the dignity to not beg, pay, be rewarded with it.

Then I can allow heartfelt giving, I can be a friend to this body, these emotions.

I can admit there is more than me, because I have searched as a mind.

I have found my way. I stop. A breath happens. I listen.

I do not imagine there is a spirit and there is me as some kind of mask.

Or any trick. This splits a psyche. I stop, breathe, observe.

What is left is Zen. Please find this word cliched and distasteful to discuss.

Upon remembering the concept, I stop. It is a bridge.

Otherwise also to the mind it is exciting to think about and discuss

For me for about 10 seconds, and I know the point is missed.

It is a vertical journey, y axis. So are all of my thoughts, for me,

Each a bridge. It is welcoming. Not entertaining or cerebrally complicating.  

It is a self guided preparation to take the most direct path

so that seeing and emergent sensitivity be the deeper ferry.

 Joy felt within a laugh, is within the laugh,

Separate, observing the medium.

The enjoyment felt within the mmmhh of tasting New York cheesecake,

There is pleasure, acceptance, surrender to that accepted flavour.

Physiologically arrived resolve, transcending courage to jump,

But the joy within the flavours. One tastes their present observer.

There is joy and there is I, and here am joy.

So that now one can feel while observing a playful child or puppy,

And feel the vicarious joy. The fur baby is the bridge,

We feel the same space, relate to the activity.

Watching this so always warming.

Nature, life providing natural surrender to the senses,

When one relates to events when we felt the same, acted from the same space.

When individuals laugh and toast together.

Together is affirmation, we descend together.

But then the activity is decided by group relating, the tribe.

What if I ascend alone, what could I do, make, experience without boundaries.

What if I could heal from excessive interaction, hurt caused by disagreement, conflict,

What accumulated insights can be expressed,

So that then I return to the group peaceful, contributing,

Less wanting, more tolerant, but also different.

There is loss, bonding is no longer possible as before,

the language has changed, how has changed.

There is loss. Tribal communal instincts persist,

closeness group flow missed dearly.

I tried but the appetite is different, and to the outside I seem different.

Good , with job self reliant. So tolerated,

Contributing skills, resources, peaceful exchanges.

Now the in between state.

Unfortunately, and fortunately as well, it was not a decision.

I was already always in between. Asking, searching,

In difficulty looking harder. In joy and ease wondering what it all is.

Living half of my life and completely externally was not an option,

The process was always me pushing,

sacrificing just sucking it up, not dropping the ‘working through it’

always processing. I did not ask for it.

All that I found was me, silent conscious intention,

And principles that guide me,

The core principle being to remember myself,

And to feel the benefit of that, I stop and listen, observe, see.

Seeing is the best space.

The word Artist is needed as a consolation when without this space.

It can be taken only as motivation of logic. To stop, and live for me.

Do something authentic where my ego does not touch it so,

I rejoice in the outcome after flow of doing,

And offer this dialogue to what beats and silently knows

Within what I perceive as the other.

Are we separate, and how separate are we?

Me watching the action in the midst of tears, pain also.

I am totally living this emotion, yet there is this smirk.

The situation is real, then why am I happy after passage of the emotion.

Did it open a division where I am so involved.

Why should observing have an associated visceral feeling of peace.

Why then should I be involved in defending pride, or holding old tensions?

How do I get it all out then? That too, an ambition. Emotional ambition.

I will have to live, make decisions, while ‘retaining’ contact.

Remembering, observing. What do I see?

Identification depending on depending on. And insights besides.

And I face. There the gentle unraveling of identity.

A child, innocent, wanted to let go of all held pains and tensions,

The tensions were entirely given identity,

I must live, and allow gradually. The other option is hell.

No longer able to loose oneself in roles, ambitions,

Not able to receive return fully.

And unable to return since decided that it is a logical problem

and effort is [not] the key.

Humility is a physical key. Knowing that it is not a context of my limit,

I don’t have to pretend modesty, humility. The way is stop.