Artist's Process Part Five

I cannot leave this by thoughts, it is more than conditioning.

Millenia of inhabiting, primal hardwired instinct.

Down to my every cell. It is more than personality, upbringing and identification.

Wise people hypothesize multiple lives through successive evolving physical forms,

So ‘I’ will think rightly and drop this ambition.

It will unravel in observation, by awareness.

This will find a way for the boundary. It will be kind,

It will allow me to guide myself gently,

It will serve another gently in their most balanced kind way.

Many vectors and dimensions we pass one another,

There will be those we parallel, crystalize what is good by association,

It will not hurt to discuss bridges, the boundary and identity with those.

Empower seeing, awareness, shared principles.

Besides that causal possibility, my only possibility to feel happy

Is to trust, stop, maintain alliance as I live a seemingly meaningless life.

The meaning is seeing.

Purpose is drawn from expressing my individual nature. This is my gift.

As the other person has their good inclinations. Those threads are their gift.

The joy derived from only one talent. More of a knack.

Finding the seer. The thing that remains when there is pause.

I observe during any pause including the moment between slipping om ice and recovering.

Who was I during that long instant?

Who was I when I fainted with my eyes open and continued seeing.

There was no thought, but there, I continued seeing stuff,

Undefinable without faculty of my mind,

So it means ‘I’ is something I need to continually maintain,

That I must continually think.

So who must engage in the thinking, what must intend that to happen,

So that I exist. The one intending to do so,

What is left when I stop? When consulted ‘within’, this is everything.

There is no logic in stopping and no known means to do so.

It is a deep inner agreement,

Made and resolved on as observing endless experiences.

So I express these experiences in abstraction.

Because it was my deepest exploration,

Streamers of colour and content as unraveling,

One other hurtling unraveling being, giving off colour, light, symbols.

Then right there to remind me as I dress for work.

I will listen and will not be alone. I may be inspired.

Reinforced over millennia, both conditioning and primal hardwiring,

I cannot calmly watch my hand burn nor the heartache of those I love.

I will reveal the rebel base under interrogation and torture.

So I resolved to feel, grasp, and frequent this space as one would a well.

Let it evolve its own mind, body. Inform its own wholeness,

And decide how much is needed experienced with others, love and interdependence,

How much is true good whole independence.

I would not dictate with research,

I would gather principles that guide me to returning without manipulating

or relying on circumstance.

If in the midst of joy or tears, stress, both excited and forced exertion,

In the midst that I have felt this same wholeness.

So I could work, do right. Contribute, defend, build, live,

But I could know based on this anchor what, how much is right,

And who is me when not defined by another.

I would have to know that space, and experienced that it can only be witnessed,

In the action of non-self conscious, doing what me feels to do.

I first have things to express. There is what is experienced and processed,

There are outcomes.

I am my own purpose, taking care of needs, making time, overflowing in joy,

Affinity for colour, expressing what is beyond language is not abstract,

It is just not common.

It is love, it is that song that transports. These can be shared.

I did not realize that it is not the common experience derived from a great song,

But tuning in and accepting, flowing with it in ones way,

That provides the space, the current.

Which I know as joy, something separate sought after.

But it is there when one who loves Durian fruit tastes it,

And it is not there when another wants to run if they perceive disgust in this fruit.

The medium is not a message.

I am a passage to a space that I took as joy to be arrived at.

It wants to move and do. I need to be water so that I can move with it.

Skills are for me becomings of types of water.

I gather those which align with a unique nature.

We must each be utterly unique.

Meeting where our outer expressions resonate what we hold within.

A dance floor where I dance and they dance,

The music is not audible.

I return, simmer in it, letting my idea of self from experience add to.

The way we shaped identity by relating with the world until now minus this awareness.

Gently. Plus this awareness. That is a non change.

Only an awareness, while using my mind to do good for myself and others,

living with a gentle footprint is easy if I do not have to stomp to be noticed.

I do not have to continue in faulty relationships,

I can do, receive my share, strive if I want to.

Then I can decide. And I will close my eyes, feel that space,

In between deciding whether I will feed my gear acquisition syndrome

and buy anther guitar amp, or let things be undecided while enjoying something.

From that vantage, especially when finding peace,

Oh thank goodness I did not put hope out there,

In the form of a guitar product, and have a purchase experience in a guitar store,

And then have it not produce any exhilarating experience,

There, a big box, a new purse, a car, new jacket, new hairstyle,

Do it and its fine, but I know. Demands escalate,

I feel afraid, all my wants.

I feel joy and I am moving forward in a balanced way toward goals,

It is nice to travel and purchase and give.

But I can then enjoy them like a child, joyfully,

Because I don’t also hate it that I depend on it,

Plus I would have the right zone, vibe to enjoy it,

I can abandon myself.

Then I am my own home.

It is a garden I have tended, so can invite another.

I will not require my good friend to uphold a vibe and take a drug,

To ensure they can add something to the space. I have my own.

If I find another’s vibe uncomfortable,

There will be no blame or resentment or rejection,

I can define my timeframe, and I know nothing is ruined,

I just need my own space with music, art open eyes, eyes closed dancing, sitting silently.

I write this crystalizing the good. This is appropriate and good.

Maintaining alignment and felt trust when submerged in freezing water is an artform

But in daily life it is not so hard, it is a choice and encountering myself,

My patterns and beliefs about whether I am real or this place I struggle to get externally.

That is already acknowledged universally as real,

When booking a vacation, meeting your love interest and making love,

Planning, striving at work, cliff sheer effort. Presenting ones status,

Skills and accomplishments, known positive attributes.

And trading these tickets, pretending they are happening as if by accident,

Social inclusion. And there! Gathering of circumstances, joyful adventures,

Existing because others are there also,

Enjoying together heightening the experience.

It is all good. I said to myself that this space must exist

Since the outer 1’s and 0’s cannot provide such a feeling,

Internally then did I think before it is brain neurotransmitters, dopamine, serotonin?

Then I should hook up the right technology and medications, follow Allan McKenna.