Artist's Process Part Eight

During the in between state, I observe baser wants, I feel wholeness,

As I do from state of having, this is affirmation, I flow into sincerity,

There is no logical striving for absolute and rigidity,

There is no being irresponsible even for giving love to the identity I transition through.

At the end of it, it is me and here, not far far away.

Whether in mind, through body want to connect and move, deeper love,

As long as I act on my nature in a way that is not to take,

Then all aspects of my person are happy, perhaps at different times,

But none cry out while one side is nourished, it feels instead about enough,

And when to rest and do the next,

or what is needed such as my job and letting presence come into it

so I feel good, it feels good to do, I define real boundaries,

I acknowledge present limits, I calmly set aside effort to improve,

And let improving go and to create something from me.

Where I am enough. And progress is gradual, but I don’t depend on it.

I needed a bridge.

I paint right now, not one day, or if it was good enough,

Or if it could be like this other person, or in that way, or a little more like that.

I needed a physical bridge, painting is too subtle.

Exercise is alone too wide to cross from daily emotional states.

I needed music. I needed to just listen to existing music, and dance to it.

My body loves to dance.

When I say I like to dance it means I like to let go into visualizing movement,

Moving in story rhythmically, it feels good, and I disappear, the more so the more happy.

Because there is me there then, less of this identity that I navigate socially with,

I am not yet able to be without the bridges,

This is okay, there is much to enjoy,

Perhaps it helps me know levels of feeling of this self,

Maybe there is attainment through the challenges of arriving,

And the bridges perhaps tunes me to dimensions.

This makes life exploration, adventure,

To work, dance, paint, learn a new skill such as playing an instrument.

Can learning be more efficient if from this state,

Can need for discipline alone and motivation be transcended,

So that I can practice guitar one hour a day at 8am,

Using discipline instead to endure the pain to my identity

Of what the hell is this new activity and why is it me, where is it taking me,

I want this and that right now, I have built up tension and waiting so long and why guitar?

It is good, I love the feeling, skill is needed besides improvisation talent,

I have figured out a method based on experiences of others and it is working,

Perhaps I ma guided, perhaps it is my mind when it is relaxed,

But perhaps this is why I feel happier. Is it my sub conscious telling me

This is good so that I can bridge without relying on physical exertion alone,

Perhaps I don’t want to lean on painting, it is freedom to have ways to express myself.

I have decided these things in that space.

So I trust it when I am not there, and keep gentle and quiet.

I do not possess it. It is not mine.

I am only ready to become liquid there. The fluid state is the artist.

Otherwise, I had already tired of imitating.

Where if I achieve a style and representational benchmark,

The craftsperson can calculate reliable amount of praise and sales,

There are x number of couches above which to place a portrait and landscape

And set benchmarks of historical Artistes to recombine into a new Frankenstein,

New world conflicts, emerging philosophies,

existential questions to explore in image form.

I found my answer, it is good for me, it provides a visceral result,

It permeates my life, and the completed painting serves as affirmations

For my newly evolving sense of self and identity,

A down arrow down the black diamond, an open hatch.

Why else did I do these things before?

It doesn’t stop it from working,

There is paradoxically only one way for me to aliveness and joy,

Within infinite worldly ways.

So this is a new way to love others and love what life provides.