Artist's Process Part Fifteen

I learned there were barriers to connection with creative intent.

While creative tasks are in progress,

Even especially residing the region of space that is just,

I had the misconception that as a clockmaker works focused

On the mechanism that tells time,

That this person is not in turn working on their own,

That there is not emotional ambition to provide or resolve,

Emotional or inner necessities,

That the clockmaker can feel whole before, during,

And during pause, balanced rest between one session and another.

There is no held tension, awaiting completion,

Projecting inner needs on what are rightly needed collaboration

But of this good creation.

It has to be done in equanimity. Not tense stuck on a phone,

If a part is complex and an answer is sought,

But without rest, and slightly grimaced.

So I learned that the state nor what is created is the making of myself.

I realized not to overextend myself beyond the level of connection

That I could hold and remain with while doing.

To do so willingly is okay if seen as putting myself in peril,

To bring experience, awareness back when return to balance.

It is this about equanimity that I learned

By aiming for completion from a need to complete myself.

Another way the mind continues searching for identity,

Now aware that the identity itself is intent,

The state is consciousness beyond reason,

That my nature is my gift, not something to fix.

Who said it had to be fixed.

Why did I take this to heart, from where?

I tremble.

The people who have created their talking image

in my subconscious, I decide to talk assert with these familiars.

They will not listen, discuss, show understanding, acknowledge my way,

even as I die, but saying shut the fuck up now is only to power my resolution.

On some level I am the one keeping these videos playing.

I must be afraid of existing alone. I must also need emotional freedom.

It cannot come first. I must arrive, and let these faces and voices

Merge in that sun heat.

The division of myself into conscious and subconscious is in my view by design,

Over millennia, the expectation on humanity,

Showing this part is good, the rest is embarrassing, shameful, disrespectful,

Shows lack of love for those you care. Hence inbuilt shame.

So is it passed on genetically, by family? Many assume from past lives.

I say assume to myself because I can only believe in or reflect on a hypothesis,

Until it is my experience. But certainly there is potential I am a continuum of life.

Either way, the final form is where I am right now to continue from.

My own sense is enough. I am certain for me, it is not right to live split.

Showing one thing, whispering to myself hiding another.

My subconscious and conscious will merge.

Until then, I am also attached somewhat to my outer persona,

And I must also approach this merge in gradual slow movements.

Until then, I will no longer seek resolve or justice

from the memories and replays,

I will acknowledge and speak to myself at this level.

So I will not make something to symbolically remake these things either,

To fix, sort, correct, imagine, go back to help, to open past related dialogue.

That is paint, marks, emotions.

Let it document what my inner person held in the grips of these things,

Before could not say. Have this radiant voice! Speak it as the love that I am.

That whoever could not know.

That others will.

Others will not. And this moment is making this, and it feels

Unimaginable. Until I painted it to show myself when in less energetic,

When pretending to not have.

When I doubt I could alter variables to compensate for the pain

Caused by faces and voices, to remake my image.

Then now, in addition to being left in the company of affirmative paintings,

I go in remaining, retaining having.

Equanimity; as a word for one integrating back to wholeness,

meaning the practice of starting from having first.

This is why I do this, a process, returning.

This is what I am sharing, in addition to affirmative bridges,

Glimpses for my outer life expressed in  colour and form.

A voice for me that exists physically, emotionally,

before in language decades later I could sum this up.

There was friction. There was tension accumulated.

It was more than daily routine coupled with too much focus,

Too little exercise during any particular deep dive, or issue fixing.

I was also not lucky to have a mythicized ‘primal scream’.

Or it could happen, or not. I am in open waiting, receptivity,

but not in hopeful wishing.

Then let it come to an independent open receptive person,

Who does not even need the resolution.

This is the definition of meditation,

having arrived at complete sincerity in relaxation,

Come to bathe, bask, observe playfully, with alertness.

Whatever, first I must continually touch and learn from this space.

It made me know life is not against me,

There are no curses that can retain composition in its vision.

I personally believe if there was a devil, they would also be just

Looking for love.

Why else engage in any action outside of

taking care of needs.

I am sure Beelzebub would have a base emotional reason.

The devil has never been ever portrayed as anything but emotional.

So anyway, go inward I do.

Whatever was inflicted upon me cannot bare it.

I cannot remain unchanged under self experience.

To remain unchanged I must use rational rejection of this, and avoid it.

I must even more cunningly, welcome it, ignore it,

incorporate it into a category, expect from it, and show disappointment,

create guilt if their exploration is shown it to hurt those that love them.

Create shame if a false impression of that person is pretended to be accepted,

That identity praised. And then deep disappointment, embarrassment shown,

When anything other is revealed.

Of course under a watchful eye waiting for such opportunity.

This is the way children are currently being abused.

Yes, I have been abused. But it opened this door.

Did I make lemonade, or is this by some greater design.

For reality’s sake, it was necessary to search, question,

It provides for me now.

I will not escape through another mental cunning trick.

My mind subconsciously will not take the place of abusers.

The distraction trick of questioning, creating and dwelling on

Mental complexity, curious childish things.

Rather than applying, entering.

Gratitude that it happened is enough now.

Self respect at my nature that promulgated it

is enough for an unknowable identity to exhibit self esteem.